This felt like like home. I heard about this book a few years ago but I didn’t know just
how close to home it was. North Carolina. It’s encouraging me to sit down with my
elders and to listen to them talk. Just have them talk about their lives and stories
they’ve heard. Stories that have been passed down to them. I know my family knows.
I know there’s a lot of interesting history that our “Uncle Julius” has to share. Our
history is not something we’ve ever talked about. I think we’ve been so set on living our
lives that we’ve never talked about our family history. It’s time.
I enjoyed all the stories in The Conjure Woman. Throughout, I smiled, felt angry, then
felt sad...however, my favorite story is “Mars Jeems’s Nightmare”. This is the story of a
recurring daydream I have. How awesome it would be for people to experience just a
few moments of someone else’s experience: for hateful people to experience the hate
they give, for dispassionate people to experience the impartiality they lend, for
oppressors to experience the lack they offer...we would have the pleasure of living in a
much more harmonious and loving world. It could be so beautiful.
When I saw Janelle Monae: Dirty Computer in 2018, I was like, "that girl ‘gon write a
book and then turn it into a series!". I felt it. Four years later I saw, “The Memory
Librarian: And Other Stories of Dirty Computer” by Janelle Monae come to fruition.
(Look at that intuition workin’!) On The Daily Show with Trevor Noah in April she hinted
at a series. (C’mon, intuition!)
I thoroughly enjoyed reading The Memory Librarian. I saw myself in most of the stories.
I’ve always low-key wondered, “am I a dirty computer?”. Even though The Memory
Librarian And Other Stories are set in the FUTURE, I felt everything in the present
moment as I was reading. Every thing from the PAST that had accumulated in my life
up to the moments I was reading that book were being felt in my space/soul/existence at that
PRESENT moment. Even one of the characters and I share a name - “Ola-Ola-ay!”
I see myself in a lot of the individuals throughout the collection of stories. In particular,
“Timebox Altar(ed)” is live with divers aspects of me. Ola, especially, is me. Not to toot
my own horn, but I’ve been practicing how to big up myself, so, here we go...She is/I am
compassionate and understanding. Her curiosity is my curiosity. Ola’s intrigue is my
intrigue.
~
I used to think that I needed so much - so many material things - to manifest what I
needed and wanted in my life. I realize now that I am all I need and that I am valuable
as I am. I am vital to the world. Most of all, I am vital to me.
This is what I consistently remind myself of. These words have helped me grow tremendously. My spiritual, mental, and overall health have improved by using these words as I speak to me in my mirror. I was reminded of these words as I read about Mx. Tangee.
As soon as the white-robed, coppery scarf-wrapped Tangerine Waters/Mx. Tangee
entered the scene, I felt. Me. Of course, at the point of her entrance, I didn’t know
anything about her, but I felt me. The talk of altars - which I have been drawing on for
11 years now; sacred land - which I am much more comfortable with than I have been;
mojo - which I have experienced the power of; and creation - which I have found pride
in, made me feel alive. My word of the year is “action”. That’s what Mx. Tangee made
me feel. She spoke of intention. Ola represented the north traveler. That’s what I’ve
been working towards - trying to understand the lessons that my north node have to
teach me. I just recently began to understand how important intention and action are to
each other. They are literally bound together through cosmic matrimony. Carrying
intention and action with me over the past few years has shown me an awesome reality.
(Those details will come some time later.)
Intention + action + my altars have shown me how far my mind can lead me into
creating and living my own reality. I have envisioned so much. I thoroughly enjoyed
“The Memory Librarian” and now keep as a reference and reminder to my own memory
and acknowledgment of self.
This felt familiar. I always feel everything when I read. I actually EXPERIENCE the words as I read them. Since I like to read non-fiction, these experiences are not always the best experiences.
I picked this book up a few years ago from a thrift store. This book, I Wanna Tell You My Story by Cornelia McDonald got me thinking. It reminded me of all the reflecting of my life that I did over last year. A good friend helped me understand that I'm harboring fear of moving forward because I don't trust myself. I've done some work to get rid of this fear. I think I've done a pretty good job, but over the past few months I realized there are a little bit of cobwebs still left in the corners that I couldn't reach with the duster. (After all, I'm 5 feet and can't quite reach 13 feet.) When I read McDonald's poem, "You Made Me An Eagle", I was reminded again of this fear.
"I walk around in a haze...You made me an eagle So why am I afraid to fly?"
It seems like every time I pursue something an obstacle appears. What am I doing wrong? I have felt for so long that that's just the way it is. I'm changing my mind, though. My life is what I believe it is. I am what I believe I am. If I believe that something always goes wrong, then that's what shall be. If I believe that everything is working out for my good, then that's what shall be. I know it's going to take some work. It's work that I've already started. It's hard. But it's possible to to upgrade my mindset.
"When I thought that I could no longer go on, I looked in the mirror. For the first time, I saw atired, hurt, insecure, and angry little girl - she just wanted to feel safe and loved."
Damn. This is what happened to me. So many times while reading this book I just felt like McDonald was writing about my life. How is that possible? I looked at myself in the mirror a while back and saw a tired, hurt, insecure, and angry little girl. I was tired of having to always having to wait until payday to have money for basic necessities. I was hurt that my father didn't love me. I was insecure because I wasn't "fill-in-the-blank" enough. I was angry because my mother never stood up to my father. I was angry. In one of the most beautiful years for me, 2020, I began speaking these words out loud. I had always kept them in. In my body. In my mind. In my heart. I gotta heal that. I have to experience security and love. Specifically, financial security and pure, unadulterated love. That's a part of this life's mission.
I understand that 2020 was painful for most of Earth's population. I gained so much clarity. The new life that 2020 gave us gave me, well, 20/20 vision. I have a clearer outlook on my life and how I operate in this world. I know what I need in this life and how to get there.
"I'm ready to leave this place. I've searched my heart and found another time and space. Now I know I can win Cause there's a friend within I'm ready to leave this place. I know I'd never be the same I have everything to gain."
In January, I blurted out on a videoconferencing call that I would be moving to another state by the end of the summer. I didn't really plan to blurt it out. I also didn't really plan the move. For whatever reason, I'm still here in the same state. That thing, that invisible obstacle, popped up and prevented me from moving. I'm still determined, though. I'll get there. I just gotta get to that corner. Yeah, that corner right there. Do you see that cobweb? I gotta get clear that away.
"I was waiting for my life to begin."
Yeah. Me, too. That's what I'm waiting for. These freakin' cobwebs.
I'm out to buy a step-stool to reach those corners to remove those cobwebs for real this time.
A few songs to add to your playlist for upgrading your mindset:
I Am (Affirmations) - Iamjustjoy Anderson
Say Yes - Equanimous Remix by Mikey Pauker, Equanimous
I'm on part two of the Theodore Roosevelt series by Edmund Morris. Morris' reviewers label him as a pretty much awesome biographer. He is!…
As I read Theodore Rex, I learn so much (as one should do when reading - learn!). Through reading about President Theodore Roosevelt I learn about myself - things I'd like to experience that I never thought I would (like, hunting) and things I'd like to pick up again as hobbies (like, language study). I thought that by reading about someone who lived more than 100 years ago I would learn about how much things have changed since then. Much to my amazement, wickedness and greed in society was just as prevalent then as it is now! Paying for votes, selfish elite,… I could go on, but what purpose would that really serve? Yeah, there were lots of positives in society that existed then that still exist now, but ironically, they don't stand out to me…Unfortunate, right?
I'm reading this chapter in the book, "Not A Cloud on the Horizon - 1902", in which Morris describes the almost-complete White House renovation. Edith, Roosevelt's wife, has taken on the responsibility of choosing fabrics and furnishings because that is, apparently, a woman's job. How did that become a woman's job? Even today that gender responsibility is still practiced. If females aren't interested in interior decorating, they're "not girly". If males are interested in interior decorating they are "girly" and, from almost all the male interior decorators I've seen, are gay (or whatever term is used now). Why is this? Why do we talk so much about how things have changed, yet we still blatantly uphold gender roles? Why do we call the past old, yet continue to give activities gender; the same activities that were gendered by those of the past? (Albeit, there are things that I believe should be maintained.) Don't guys like their living quarters to look decent, too? Or is that just another misplaced gender role that guys still have the "caveman" mentality and are dirty/sloppy?
There was a WHOLE lot more that I wanted to include here, but this will do for now. :)
Here's a meal I made that costs less than $10 (because I had everything in my kitchen, except the chard and sweet potato, which were about $5, total). If you're buying all the ingredients at once, it'll probably total up to $10-$20. Still, inexpensive. Red chard is a really good leafy green that tastes like butter lettuce when raw, and cooked spinach when cooked. The Japanese sweet potato has a lighter flavor than Covington sweet potatoes, or any other orange sweet potato (think sweet potato pie) and adds a nice opposite to the chard's flavor and texture. This meal was super cheap, easy to make, and really tasty and nutritious! The next time I make it, I'm planning on adding parsnips to it! :)
Oil1 medium bunch of red chard2-3 cloves garlic2 medium carrots1 medium Japanese sweet potato1/4 white onionsea saltcelery saltfile powder
Dice garlic, carrots, potato, and onion in chunks. Heat skillet. Heat oil. Stir salts and powder into oil. Then, barely soften carrots and potato in salted oil. While carrots and potato are cooking, slice chard into strips. Add garlic and onion and cook until just fragrant. Add a bit of water. Add chard. Remove from heat when chard begins to darken and smell like spinach.
For soupy mix, add more water and salts and powder.
Well...I haven't been here as often I had planned to; it's been a couple lotta months! Anywho, since my last measly post, I have entered graduate school at the University of Georgia and completed my first semester. I've done pretty well, so far, but can always do better! :)
I've been trying for the opportunity to study abroad for three years! and finally...I'm going to the Republic of Ghana!!! I am so thrilled! I will experience the adventures of traveling abroad, and while I'm there, I'll become part of an initiative among Athenian and Ghanaian businesswomen and artisans! So thrilled!
There are so many things I have to look forward to - one of them being...
Cape Coast Castle!
I just can't stop saying how excited I am. And I can't wait to take a REAL picture of this place!
Maybe next year my dream will come true and I can visit China! ;)
