This felt familiar. I always feel everything when I read. I actually EXPERIENCE the words as I read them. Since I like to read non-fiction, these experiences are not always the best experiences.
I picked this book up a few years ago from a thrift store. This book, I Wanna Tell You My Story by Cornelia McDonald got me thinking. It reminded me of all the reflecting of my life that I did over last year. A good friend helped me understand that I'm harboring fear of moving forward because I don't trust myself. I've done some work to get rid of this fear. I think I've done a pretty good job, but over the past few months I realized there are a little bit of cobwebs still left in the corners that I couldn't reach with the duster. (After all, I'm 5 feet and can't quite reach 13 feet.) When I read McDonald's poem, "You Made Me An Eagle", I was reminded again of this fear.
"I walk around in a haze...You made me an eagle So why am I afraid to fly?"
It seems like every time I pursue something an obstacle appears. What am I doing wrong? I have felt for so long that that's just the way it is. I'm changing my mind, though. My life is what I believe it is. I am what I believe I am. If I believe that something always goes wrong, then that's what shall be. If I believe that everything is working out for my good, then that's what shall be. I know it's going to take some work. It's work that I've already started. It's hard. But it's possible to to upgrade my mindset.
"When I thought that I could no longer go on, I looked in the mirror. For the first time, I saw a tired, hurt, insecure, and angry little girl - she just wanted to feel safe and loved."
Damn. This is what happened to me. So many times while reading this book I just felt like McDonald was writing about my life. How is that possible? I looked at myself in the mirror a while back and saw a tired, hurt, insecure, and angry little girl. I was tired of having to always having to wait until payday to have money for basic necessities. I was hurt that my father didn't love me. I was insecure because I wasn't "fill-in-the-blank" enough. I was angry because my mother never stood up to my father. I was angry. In one of the most beautiful years for me, 2020, I began speaking these words out loud. I had always kept them in. In my body. In my mind. In my heart. I gotta heal that. I have to experience security and love. Specifically, financial security and pure, unadulterated love. That's a part of this life's mission.
I understand that 2020 was painful for most of Earth's population. I gained so much clarity. The new life that 2020 gave us gave me, well, 20/20 vision. I have a clearer outlook on my life and how I operate in this world. I know what I need in this life and how to get there.
"I'm ready to leave this place. I've searched my heart and found another time and space. Now I know I can win Cause there's a friend within I'm ready to leave this place. I know I'd never be the same I have everything to gain."
In January, I blurted out on a videoconferencing call that I would be moving to another state by the end of the summer. I didn't really plan to blurt it out. I also didn't really plan the move. For whatever reason, I'm still here in the same state. That thing, that invisible obstacle, popped up and prevented me from moving. I'm still determined, though. I'll get there. I just gotta get to that corner. Yeah, that corner right there. Do you see that cobweb? I gotta get clear that away.
"I was waiting for my life to begin."
Yeah. Me, too. That's what I'm waiting for. These freakin' cobwebs.
I'm out to buy a step-stool to reach those corners to remove those cobwebs for real this time.
A few songs to add to your playlist for upgrading your mindset:
I Am (Affirmations) - Iamjustjoy Anderson
