This felt like like home. I heard about this book a few years ago but I didn’t know just
how close to home it was. North Carolina. It’s encouraging me to sit down with my
elders and to listen to them talk. Just have them talk about their lives and stories
they’ve heard. Stories that have been passed down to them. I know my family knows.
I know there’s a lot of interesting history that our “Uncle Julius” has to share. Our
history is not something we’ve ever talked about. I think we’ve been so set on living our
lives that we’ve never talked about our family history. It’s time.
I enjoyed all the stories in The Conjure Woman. Throughout, I smiled, felt angry, then
felt sad...however, my favorite story is “Mars Jeems’s Nightmare”. This is the story of a
recurring daydream I have. How awesome it would be for people to experience just a
few moments of someone else’s experience: for hateful people to experience the hate
they give, for dispassionate people to experience the impartiality they lend, for
oppressors to experience the lack they offer...we would have the pleasure of living in a
much more harmonious and loving world. It could be so beautiful.
When I saw Janelle Monae: Dirty Computer in 2018, I was like, "that girl ‘gon write a
book and then turn it into a series!". I felt it. Four years later I saw, “The Memory
Librarian: And Other Stories of Dirty Computer” by Janelle Monae come to fruition.
(Look at that intuition workin’!) On The Daily Show with Trevor Noah in April she hinted
at a series. (C’mon, intuition!)
I thoroughly enjoyed reading The Memory Librarian. I saw myself in most of the stories.
I’ve always low-key wondered, “am I a dirty computer?”. Even though The Memory
Librarian And Other Stories are set in the FUTURE, I felt everything in the present
moment as I was reading. Every thing from the PAST that had accumulated in my life
up to the moments I was reading that book were being felt in my space/soul/existence at that
PRESENT moment. Even one of the characters and I share a name - “Ola-Ola-ay!”
I see myself in a lot of the individuals throughout the collection of stories. In particular,
“Timebox Altar(ed)” is live with divers aspects of me. Ola, especially, is me. Not to toot
my own horn, but I’ve been practicing how to big up myself, so, here we go...She is/I am
compassionate and understanding. Her curiosity is my curiosity. Ola’s intrigue is my
intrigue.
~
I used to think that I needed so much - so many material things - to manifest what I
needed and wanted in my life. I realize now that I am all I need and that I am valuable
as I am. I am vital to the world. Most of all, I am vital to me.
This is what I consistently remind myself of. These words have helped me grow tremendously. My spiritual, mental, and overall health have improved by using these words as I speak to me in my mirror. I was reminded of these words as I read about Mx. Tangee.
As soon as the white-robed, coppery scarf-wrapped Tangerine Waters/Mx. Tangee
entered the scene, I felt. Me. Of course, at the point of her entrance, I didn’t know
anything about her, but I felt me. The talk of altars - which I have been drawing on for
11 years now; sacred land - which I am much more comfortable with than I have been;
mojo - which I have experienced the power of; and creation - which I have found pride
in, made me feel alive. My word of the year is “action”. That’s what Mx. Tangee made
me feel. She spoke of intention. Ola represented the north traveler. That’s what I’ve
been working towards - trying to understand the lessons that my north node have to
teach me. I just recently began to understand how important intention and action are to
each other. They are literally bound together through cosmic matrimony. Carrying
intention and action with me over the past few years has shown me an awesome reality.
(Those details will come some time later.)
Intention + action + my altars have shown me how far my mind can lead me into
creating and living my own reality. I have envisioned so much. I thoroughly enjoyed
“The Memory Librarian” and now keep as a reference and reminder to my own memory
and acknowledgment of self.
This felt familiar. I always feel everything when I read. I actually EXPERIENCE the words as I read them. Since I like to read non-fiction, these experiences are not always the best experiences.
I picked this book up a few years ago from a thrift store. This book, I Wanna Tell You My Story by Cornelia McDonald got me thinking. It reminded me of all the reflecting of my life that I did over last year. A good friend helped me understand that I'm harboring fear of moving forward because I don't trust myself. I've done some work to get rid of this fear. I think I've done a pretty good job, but over the past few months I realized there are a little bit of cobwebs still left in the corners that I couldn't reach with the duster. (After all, I'm 5 feet and can't quite reach 13 feet.) When I read McDonald's poem, "You Made Me An Eagle", I was reminded again of this fear.
"I walk around in a haze...You made me an eagle So why am I afraid to fly?"
It seems like every time I pursue something an obstacle appears. What am I doing wrong? I have felt for so long that that's just the way it is. I'm changing my mind, though. My life is what I believe it is. I am what I believe I am. If I believe that something always goes wrong, then that's what shall be. If I believe that everything is working out for my good, then that's what shall be. I know it's going to take some work. It's work that I've already started. It's hard. But it's possible to to upgrade my mindset.
"When I thought that I could no longer go on, I looked in the mirror. For the first time, I saw atired, hurt, insecure, and angry little girl - she just wanted to feel safe and loved."
Damn. This is what happened to me. So many times while reading this book I just felt like McDonald was writing about my life. How is that possible? I looked at myself in the mirror a while back and saw a tired, hurt, insecure, and angry little girl. I was tired of having to always having to wait until payday to have money for basic necessities. I was hurt that my father didn't love me. I was insecure because I wasn't "fill-in-the-blank" enough. I was angry because my mother never stood up to my father. I was angry. In one of the most beautiful years for me, 2020, I began speaking these words out loud. I had always kept them in. In my body. In my mind. In my heart. I gotta heal that. I have to experience security and love. Specifically, financial security and pure, unadulterated love. That's a part of this life's mission.
I understand that 2020 was painful for most of Earth's population. I gained so much clarity. The new life that 2020 gave us gave me, well, 20/20 vision. I have a clearer outlook on my life and how I operate in this world. I know what I need in this life and how to get there.
"I'm ready to leave this place. I've searched my heart and found another time and space. Now I know I can win Cause there's a friend within I'm ready to leave this place. I know I'd never be the same I have everything to gain."
In January, I blurted out on a videoconferencing call that I would be moving to another state by the end of the summer. I didn't really plan to blurt it out. I also didn't really plan the move. For whatever reason, I'm still here in the same state. That thing, that invisible obstacle, popped up and prevented me from moving. I'm still determined, though. I'll get there. I just gotta get to that corner. Yeah, that corner right there. Do you see that cobweb? I gotta get clear that away.
"I was waiting for my life to begin."
Yeah. Me, too. That's what I'm waiting for. These freakin' cobwebs.
I'm out to buy a step-stool to reach those corners to remove those cobwebs for real this time.
A few songs to add to your playlist for upgrading your mindset:
I Am (Affirmations) - Iamjustjoy Anderson
Say Yes - Equanimous Remix by Mikey Pauker, Equanimous
